A Christmas Wish

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!

Christmas is an amazing time, whether you are gay, bi, straight, lesbian, transsexual, alien or French! It's a time to come together and love!

I hope everyone out there enjoys this truly magical day! It is a time when, sometimes, if you have been exceptionally good this year, dreams and wishes come true.

I can only sit back and hope that my Christmas wish comes true! I shall find out next year... wow that is scary to say! Chris is going to think about whether we can make it. I'm going away over New Years, and get back on the 2nd (I think) and Chris has said that he will tell me then.

He has a lot to deal with, I'm not exactly the most helpful person, and he is going through a lot at the moment. Merry Christmas Chris, I hope you have a great time, and try not to worry about anything, especially me! Put me out of your mind for awhile!

Anyways, my Christmas message has become longer than planned.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Views and Followers

Yay! I'm gaining more views and followers... I'm happy!

But still no comments! I'd love to hear from people (maybe not negative things). So get commenting guys, even if it is just to say hi, or tell me how your day was!

Walls and masks

I'll hide behind these walls, and put on my masks.

But in reality, I still stare everytime I drive past, I still hope to catch a glance. New goals and a new plan might be in effect, but my heart does not obey my mind, it is a free agent.

Plans for Paris, My future and a little bit more about guys

So I started looking at apartments in Paris. I know, I know, it's a little (a lot!) premature, since I wont be there till September 2010, but I'm excited and I wanted to see what I'm in for.

There are some amazing places, every apartment I saw on the site I was using was individual and incredibly beautiful, only in Paris do people live in works of art. I'm really excited, though its going to cost me! These places aren't exactly cheap!

I know there are cheaper places, but I really want to live in the real Paris, live it, breathe it. Paris, I wish I can explain better in words just what it means to me. A symbol of hope, a shining beacon, breaking through my darkened past and shadowed present.

I'm not completely unrealistic, I know Paris isn't going to answer all my problems and save me from all the hurts in my life... but I know in Paris, I can work on forgetting New Zealand, and it's disappointments. People ask me why Paris?

Paris, the capital of love and romance, a city that has captured the hearts of millions. I want to dance in the Latin Quarter and taste wine standing on some historical terrace on the Seine. I want to watch tourists strolling down Pont de Neuf, and watch a struggling artist painting, Notre Dame in the background. I want to be surrounded by history and have a melting pot of cultures cascade over me like a warm summers rain.

That is why Paris.

But I'm a long way off from that goal. I need to find work from between New Years and September. I applied for an awesome job working for Greenpeace, a I filled out a great application with a great cover letter and resume. I hope to hear from them.

If not, then I'll settle for a less interesting job... I'm only working as a means to an end. Paris... I hear the word in my mind sometimes, just a quick whisper, and I close my eyes, I'm walking down a cobbled little street, opening the door to my apartment, set in some old 18th century building. I'm very excited. It's the first goal I have had in a very long time, that doesn't include anyone else.

No dreams of a relationship, no giving myself 110% to some guy who is completely incapable of returning even the smallest fraction of that. Guys are such a let down... It is such a shame really. I don't quite understand it. Is it just me, or do gay guys just seem to be terrible at love, companionship and living a normal life? It seems all the gay people I have known fail in at least one of those, they either sleep around, cheat, have issues committing, or behave in the most extreme ways.

So we're gay... does that give us any excuse to behave in the ways that most of us do? What happened to the dream of love, settling down with your soul mate, and having a family? Does the small fact that our soul mate is the same sex, mean that dream dies?

Being gay is great, at times I am incredibly proud of my sexuality, but I don't think it gives us the right to demand/act in ways so that we are treated different, so that people expect less of us.

I'm sure that what I have seen of the queer world is just a tiny snippet, and things probably aren't as bad as they seem, my biased opinion clearly doesn't help. But then what do you expect when I've been let down by every guy I've cared about (I'm not saying I'm always the victim, I have probably let some of them down too). I include myself in my evaluation of gays/lesbians. I'm hardly the poster child for the perfect moral person. But I do expect better of myself, which is the first step towards being a decent human being.

So here is the plan...

1. No more guys/girls

2. No more porn/dating websites

3. No more contacting anyone I've ever had an emotional connection with

4. Deleting phone numbers/email addresses/Facebook pages of any/all guys

5. Considering starting a new blog, one that hasn't been seen by any of the mentioned guys.

6. Lower/change my expectations of the world about me, especially the gay world

7. Focus on my goal, Paris, above all things


It's nearing Christmas, I hope most people out there are not like me, and have someone special to hold onto this Christmas.


My final thought for this post:
It's funny how the heart shatters when you're told "it'll never be"

Love Lukas xox

El amor no es un sentimiento, es una habilidad

I watched Dan In Real Life again today (it really is a great movie! I recommend it).

There was line the movie that caught my attention... "Love isn't a feeling, it's an ability" (El amor no es un sentimiento, es una habilidad). I'm still trying to form my opinion on this statement. It makes a lot of sense, some people are incapable of love, that is clear to me. But I've always felt love, it is that powerful, horrible, beautiful, soul destroying, life giving "feeling" deep inside you. Isn't it?

I don't know, maybe if anyone reads this and they have an opinion, you could comment? I'd love to hear what people think about love. It's an important thing in my life. My other question is for you, is whether you think it's possible for two guys to truly be in love with each other? I'm not talking about infatuation, or lust... but honest to God, pure and true Love? I've always believed that love is universal, love knows no bounds... but lately my beliefs are being tested and I fear they may crack. I see the Queer world, and it isn't pretty. But maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places?

It isn't even my own happiness that I'm trying to find... I just want to see that true love exists in the Queer world. I don't think people have much faith in us gays and lesbians. For so long it has been an underworld, people living in it side by side with the so called "normal" world. And because of this, the expectations seem to be so much lower. It's ok for sex and cheating and immoral behavior, because that is how we are seen?

Well I need to say no. Come on guys, we need have more faith in ourselves right? As long as we continue to prove everyone else right, by acting in the ways that a lot of gay people do, we are never going to get equal rights, and be accepted. Or am I just overreacting? My thoughts get scrambled... I apologize for the lack of coherence in my posts, I start with one idea and then end up a million miles away. I guess I have a lot in my mind that I want to say, and it all sort of rushes out, I have no control over my hands and they just keep typing whatever thought pops into my head.

I'm not really too sure on the purpose of this blog. I know that I really enjoy writing here. I like thinking that there are people out there who read what I write. But even if there aren't, I know that by trying to put my thoughts into words, I am making some sense out of them. I guess it's obvious that I am now addicted to blogging, but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. I could sit all day writing about everything and anything. Though it might not seem like it, I am in fact a writer. http://www.lotusridge.weebly.com is my website. You can see some of my writing there. Anyway, my point about me being a writer, is that I love to write (go figure!). I think this blog is a really good outlet for a lot of the stuff I don't write and a lot of the stuff, I usually can't find words for. It's a place where I can talk about myself (and not come across like an egotistical bastard... sorry if I do!).

Ok, I should end this post I think... it's getting a bit too long!

"Love will not betray, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free"

"El amor no es un sentimiento, es una habilidad"

(Expect another post relatively soon, just try and keep me away)

Lukas xoxox

To Paris?

Everything happens for a reason... there are many who would not agree with that statement. But in a way it makes total sense.

Chris did read my last post, and we met and talked for awhile. I think it went well, and in the end I realized that what I wanted to happen, and reality were two different things. The reality is that Chris is searching for himself, and that doesn't include me.

I'm not hurt nor do I have any grudges towards him. Chris is doing what he needs to do, and I respect that. He has my love wherever life takes him. But, for now at least, our paths are not crossing. I am positive that good things will come for him, he is a good person and I love him dearly.

Chris, you better text me Merry Christmas! You don't need to completely ignore me rid me from your life!

And so, my dear reader(s), you may be asking yourself "what now?". Well as my earlier post suggested, I am going to leave New Zealand. Though I have had some great experiences here, I have also had many bad ones (just go back and read my earlier posts!) and I think I need to change my location. I'm not running, don't think of it like that. I have nothing to run from anyway. I'm worth nothing to nobody, only family, and they will love me no matter where I am in the world. So no, I'm not running. But I am seeking something.

I'm not too sure what that is exactly... maybe I'm looking for love, the real love that is worth everything and is unconditional and unwavering. Or perhaps I am seeking some sense of atonement, a sense of spirituality.

I think my future will see someone who believes in me, as much as I believe in others. I have to hope that I am worth that much. And maybe I'm not, but hope is a powerful thing.

So mon cher, my new goal is Paris, like I had planned. Why Paris? Paris is where romance is born. Paris will be where I see love, not just in it's people, but feel it in it's atmosphere and breathe it in. Paris is my city, Paris is where my heart longs to be. Who knows how Paris will treat me, who knows if it will respect me as I respect it and treat it with awe. But for now, all I know is that Paris is where I shall be within a year.

I will hang from hotel windows, drinking absinthe and singing about love and how I believe in love above all things! (Ohh wait, that is basically the plot for Moulin Rouge). Viva La Vie Boheme!

My love is with you Chris... remember the lyrics to the song, I mean them just as much as all my other words. If it's too much to bare, I'll be here, sitting at the keyboard and writing away. I am yours for as long as is needed... I will be here if you need me.

Forever and always, my dear readers...
Your friend Lukas

The end of this stage of my life...

Last night I had a dream about someone who means more to me than anyone else, though they don't know it. In the past few months I have made A LOT of mistakes... and I really do mean A LOT.

But through my mistakes I have found some very positive and important things too. I met someone who I care more about, than anyone I have ever cared about before. Someone I would be willing to do anything for, anything. I made have made the wrong choice by leaving this person, and it has haunted me ever since, especially lately. Whenever I have the smallest hope that I can get over it, I think about him, and every feelings, emotion and thought comes rushing back to me like a landslide.

Since the break up, I have just kept making worse decisions. It's not his responsibility, he owes me nothing, but I have prayed and prayed that he would let me back into his heart. Some of my stupid mistakes were telling him I still feel for him, because I never considered he needed to move on from me.

I'm nothing more than a terrible memory. One that is probably best forgotten.

But while I may be a terrible memory to him, he is far more than that for me. He is someone I respect and trust whole heartedly. He is someone I dream about, and for those few brief moments as I wake up, I forget it's just a dream and I am happy. Then reality kicks in. It's a cruel thing reality.

What do you do when the one person you want most in your life, doesn't want you back? I have been given advice, some telling me to run back and say how I feel, some telling me to stay away and if it's meant to be it will happen. I took the first piece of advice, and it only served to hurt us both more.

But I do not believe that things happen because they are meant to be. I believe that we are meant to fight for the things we want and need. I would do anything for him, But I cant just leave, and I cannot forget. I have tried, the Lord knows that I have tried to forget, but this time, I cant. Because the knowledge that I have made the worst mistake in my life, hangs over me like a waking nightmare, and the only place I am free, is when my eyes are closed and I am dreaming about him.

I sound like the worst kind of ex to have. The one who is obsessed, the one who cant get over it, the one who turns into a stalker. I can see why so many people are like that. In the past, I have prided myself on the fact that I can move on quickly, but moving on quickly, is only a quick fix. I've had my heart broken too many times before, to sit back now and let this one get away.

He is the first person to ever truly understand me, and though he probably doubts he ever did, I know he did. When we were together there were a lot of doubts, and doubts are not healthy. But they should never be a reason to call it quits, because I think doubts have a silver lining. They have both a positive and negative side. It's the positive side that you need to focus on, instead of worrying about the negatives.

I don't deserve to have him back, I have thought about me for most of my life, I'm 20, it's natural. But now, now I look forward and I long for an us, and not just any us, but him and I. He has changed my life, he really has made massive impacts that even I myself am only just noticing.

My goals have changed. I am pulling out of university next year. Instead of studying, I am going to work until September, saving. Once it comes to September I am going to be flying back to England to see my Aunts wedding, but when everyone else flies back to New Zealand, I am going to stay in Europe, train to Paris probably and stay there for awhile. And then, I am going to float around Europe... Paris, Avignon, Rome, Milan, Reutlingen, Berlin, Athens etc... for as long as I can. No time frame and no ties. I wont worry about when I need to come back, and I wont worry about anyone back here. I have noone to stay for.

So I will be going... going for as long as I possibly can...

I'm standing at a fork in my future, and one road heads to Paris, the life of solitude and passing through places like a shadow, no roots and no ties.
Or the other road, which leads to a future where I mean something to someone, and not just something, but I mean the world to someone. A future where I wake up next to my love, and I am happy all the way down to my core.

Which road I step onto all depends on the person who now only lives in my dreams.
I am not going to contact him again, I am not going to tell him this ultimatum I have made for myself. But I am going to pray that he knows the road I want to take, is the one with him.

If I hear nothing from by New Years Eve (2009) I am going to take the first step onto the path that leads to a lonely Paris.

I am praying with my entire soul, that he contacts me. I pray that I am worth enough for him to invest his feelings in. I pray that he can see me in his future.

For all my wrongs in life, I am truly sorry. I am seeking forgiveness, and I hope to heal all wounds from my past. On the 1st of December 2010, I will stop looking back.

C, if you read this... Do what is best for you, you have no responsibility to me, but I really do hope that you can see that I have seen the wrongs I have done. I know you want space, to heal and to work through your own issues. But I really do believe that we can make a great couple. I will do anything for you, and I really do love everything about you. You have no idea how different you are to everyone else in the world, you are unique, and when I think of my future without you, I am more scared than I have ever been. My track record isn't great, I am far from perfect and I am deeply flawed... but I can promise you now, that I will love you everyday, and I will do everything I can to make you happy, and to make you feel safe.

You are the guy of my dreams, literally. If you can give me a second chance... you really would be saving me.

This is the last time I will ever post anything about my feelings regarding him, and the last time I will try to show him that I hope he chooses me.

C, I pray that you read this... I really do pray that you read this.