Plans for Paris, My future and a little bit more about guys

So I started looking at apartments in Paris. I know, I know, it's a little (a lot!) premature, since I wont be there till September 2010, but I'm excited and I wanted to see what I'm in for.

There are some amazing places, every apartment I saw on the site I was using was individual and incredibly beautiful, only in Paris do people live in works of art. I'm really excited, though its going to cost me! These places aren't exactly cheap!

I know there are cheaper places, but I really want to live in the real Paris, live it, breathe it. Paris, I wish I can explain better in words just what it means to me. A symbol of hope, a shining beacon, breaking through my darkened past and shadowed present.

I'm not completely unrealistic, I know Paris isn't going to answer all my problems and save me from all the hurts in my life... but I know in Paris, I can work on forgetting New Zealand, and it's disappointments. People ask me why Paris?

Paris, the capital of love and romance, a city that has captured the hearts of millions. I want to dance in the Latin Quarter and taste wine standing on some historical terrace on the Seine. I want to watch tourists strolling down Pont de Neuf, and watch a struggling artist painting, Notre Dame in the background. I want to be surrounded by history and have a melting pot of cultures cascade over me like a warm summers rain.

That is why Paris.

But I'm a long way off from that goal. I need to find work from between New Years and September. I applied for an awesome job working for Greenpeace, a I filled out a great application with a great cover letter and resume. I hope to hear from them.

If not, then I'll settle for a less interesting job... I'm only working as a means to an end. Paris... I hear the word in my mind sometimes, just a quick whisper, and I close my eyes, I'm walking down a cobbled little street, opening the door to my apartment, set in some old 18th century building. I'm very excited. It's the first goal I have had in a very long time, that doesn't include anyone else.

No dreams of a relationship, no giving myself 110% to some guy who is completely incapable of returning even the smallest fraction of that. Guys are such a let down... It is such a shame really. I don't quite understand it. Is it just me, or do gay guys just seem to be terrible at love, companionship and living a normal life? It seems all the gay people I have known fail in at least one of those, they either sleep around, cheat, have issues committing, or behave in the most extreme ways.

So we're gay... does that give us any excuse to behave in the ways that most of us do? What happened to the dream of love, settling down with your soul mate, and having a family? Does the small fact that our soul mate is the same sex, mean that dream dies?

Being gay is great, at times I am incredibly proud of my sexuality, but I don't think it gives us the right to demand/act in ways so that we are treated different, so that people expect less of us.

I'm sure that what I have seen of the queer world is just a tiny snippet, and things probably aren't as bad as they seem, my biased opinion clearly doesn't help. But then what do you expect when I've been let down by every guy I've cared about (I'm not saying I'm always the victim, I have probably let some of them down too). I include myself in my evaluation of gays/lesbians. I'm hardly the poster child for the perfect moral person. But I do expect better of myself, which is the first step towards being a decent human being.

So here is the plan...

1. No more guys/girls

2. No more porn/dating websites

3. No more contacting anyone I've ever had an emotional connection with

4. Deleting phone numbers/email addresses/Facebook pages of any/all guys

5. Considering starting a new blog, one that hasn't been seen by any of the mentioned guys.

6. Lower/change my expectations of the world about me, especially the gay world

7. Focus on my goal, Paris, above all things


It's nearing Christmas, I hope most people out there are not like me, and have someone special to hold onto this Christmas.


My final thought for this post:
It's funny how the heart shatters when you're told "it'll never be"

Love Lukas xox