So, yeah... It's been awhile since my last post... 3 months to the day, (91 days).
ALOT has happened in that time. I could probably write a handful of blogs explaining each and everything that has happened... but I don't want to bore you.
I guess you could say I met someone, whom I fell in love with... I found my faith. I'm not going to say I'm religious or anything, I don't believe in the institution of man at all. But I did find God.
Well, He found me... in a very powerful way.
On the whole it has been the single most important invent in my life... I've changed as a person dramatically... I'm even taller and more muscley! =p lol.
I guess I have been expecting Him to change some other things too. Some of the people I've met were probably waiting for him to "straighten" me up too. I haven't been really thinking much about guys at all, but in the same way, I haven't been thinking about girls either. I'm definitely not straight. I'm just... nothing. It's hard to explain.
But recently... I guess my heart has realized it's still there. And I've been longing for arms around me, and a soft, warm breath on my neck. I haven't been held in months, no arms of longing have been wrapped around me. And I've once again started to feel lonely... but this time it's a different loneliness.
Because now I have my faith (which is unwavering!) but I have nobody (noone physically here) that can understand how I feel. I'm in Love with God, but apart from that, I have nothing. I'm not looking at women, and wanting to get married and live the "christian lifestyle". I'm not looking at women and longing to be with one.
But I am longing for a hand to hold mine, some arms to envelop me, and a voice whispering in my ear... "It will be ok, because I love you". I read a quote today that really made me smile... "I love you because... to understand our love, they would have to turn the world upside down."
I know God loves me... I know that is sufficient. But... but.
Well apart from that, some other HUGE things that happened in these past 91days:
1. My younger sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, her name is Issabella and as of today she is 2weeks and 1day old.
2. I turned down the job in Qatar.
3. I completed my first piece of artwork since last year.
4. I've started to sing. (Much to the pain of many ears!)
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
You'll find someone who deserves you...
How many of us have heard that over the years??? (or some derivation of it)
It's almost as incredibly cliche as "It's not you, it's me" (and just to point out, of course it's you, you self-centered prick who cant keep his dick in his pants long enough to actually try to maintain something meaningful with someone who [formerly] worshiped you!!!!)... sorry about that little rant, it's not targeted at anyone in particular, just a little venting on my part, for all those who have heard those cursed words!
I guess I've just heard "you deserve so much more" too many times now. It's my heart, and my love to give, YOU do not get to tell me who I should love. If I love you, then I LOVE YOU, telling me I deserve someone else is just you flaking out. It's not going to change the way I feel about you.
So my advice to anyone who wants to break up with their partners... do not say anything along those lines. It's unfair to them. Grow a pair, and be the dick that you clearly are (unless you have good cause to break up with them, in which case I recommend some scissors and an escape route). If you try to be the nice guy when breaking up with someone, it just ends up hurting more... so if you're going to break their heart, cut them deep... at least this way they can hate you and work on getting over it.
I've become such a cynic... there was a time once (not too long ago!) where love and romance were the biggest drives in my life, they softened the harsh world that we live in. Now, I see cheats and liars everywhere, unhappy relationships, broken homes and good people having their hearts ripped out by the shallow.
If Shakespeare were alive today, I'm sure he would have something to say about the state of love in our world. What is it about humanities obsession with completely destroying everything that was once good??? Remember Shakespeare's words, in my favorite piece of literature, Sonnet 116:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Ohh such words used to move me right down to my core... now I read them with a detached sense of loss. It saddens me.
The world has become a cold place indeed.
It's almost as incredibly cliche as "It's not you, it's me" (and just to point out, of course it's you, you self-centered prick who cant keep his dick in his pants long enough to actually try to maintain something meaningful with someone who [formerly] worshiped you!!!!)... sorry about that little rant, it's not targeted at anyone in particular, just a little venting on my part, for all those who have heard those cursed words!
I guess I've just heard "you deserve so much more" too many times now. It's my heart, and my love to give, YOU do not get to tell me who I should love. If I love you, then I LOVE YOU, telling me I deserve someone else is just you flaking out. It's not going to change the way I feel about you.
So my advice to anyone who wants to break up with their partners... do not say anything along those lines. It's unfair to them. Grow a pair, and be the dick that you clearly are (unless you have good cause to break up with them, in which case I recommend some scissors and an escape route). If you try to be the nice guy when breaking up with someone, it just ends up hurting more... so if you're going to break their heart, cut them deep... at least this way they can hate you and work on getting over it.
I've become such a cynic... there was a time once (not too long ago!) where love and romance were the biggest drives in my life, they softened the harsh world that we live in. Now, I see cheats and liars everywhere, unhappy relationships, broken homes and good people having their hearts ripped out by the shallow.
If Shakespeare were alive today, I'm sure he would have something to say about the state of love in our world. What is it about humanities obsession with completely destroying everything that was once good??? Remember Shakespeare's words, in my favorite piece of literature, Sonnet 116:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Ohh such words used to move me right down to my core... now I read them with a detached sense of loss. It saddens me.
The world has become a cold place indeed.
Monday, December 14, 2009
El amor no es un sentimiento, es una habilidad
I watched Dan In Real Life again today (it really is a great movie! I recommend it).
There was line the movie that caught my attention... "Love isn't a feeling, it's an ability" (El amor no es un sentimiento, es una habilidad). I'm still trying to form my opinion on this statement. It makes a lot of sense, some people are incapable of love, that is clear to me. But I've always felt love, it is that powerful, horrible, beautiful, soul destroying, life giving "feeling" deep inside you. Isn't it?
I don't know, maybe if anyone reads this and they have an opinion, you could comment? I'd love to hear what people think about love. It's an important thing in my life. My other question is for you, is whether you think it's possible for two guys to truly be in love with each other? I'm not talking about infatuation, or lust... but honest to God, pure and true Love? I've always believed that love is universal, love knows no bounds... but lately my beliefs are being tested and I fear they may crack. I see the Queer world, and it isn't pretty. But maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places?
It isn't even my own happiness that I'm trying to find... I just want to see that true love exists in the Queer world. I don't think people have much faith in us gays and lesbians. For so long it has been an underworld, people living in it side by side with the so called "normal" world. And because of this, the expectations seem to be so much lower. It's ok for sex and cheating and immoral behavior, because that is how we are seen?
Well I need to say no. Come on guys, we need have more faith in ourselves right? As long as we continue to prove everyone else right, by acting in the ways that a lot of gay people do, we are never going to get equal rights, and be accepted. Or am I just overreacting? My thoughts get scrambled... I apologize for the lack of coherence in my posts, I start with one idea and then end up a million miles away. I guess I have a lot in my mind that I want to say, and it all sort of rushes out, I have no control over my hands and they just keep typing whatever thought pops into my head.
I'm not really too sure on the purpose of this blog. I know that I really enjoy writing here. I like thinking that there are people out there who read what I write. But even if there aren't, I know that by trying to put my thoughts into words, I am making some sense out of them. I guess it's obvious that I am now addicted to blogging, but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. I could sit all day writing about everything and anything. Though it might not seem like it, I am in fact a writer. http://www.lotusridge.weebly.com is my website. You can see some of my writing there. Anyway, my point about me being a writer, is that I love to write (go figure!). I think this blog is a really good outlet for a lot of the stuff I don't write and a lot of the stuff, I usually can't find words for. It's a place where I can talk about myself (and not come across like an egotistical bastard... sorry if I do!).
Ok, I should end this post I think... it's getting a bit too long!
"Love will not betray, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free"
"El amor no es un sentimiento, es una habilidad"
(Expect another post relatively soon, just try and keep me away)
Lukas xoxox
There was line the movie that caught my attention... "Love isn't a feeling, it's an ability" (El amor no es un sentimiento, es una habilidad). I'm still trying to form my opinion on this statement. It makes a lot of sense, some people are incapable of love, that is clear to me. But I've always felt love, it is that powerful, horrible, beautiful, soul destroying, life giving "feeling" deep inside you. Isn't it?
I don't know, maybe if anyone reads this and they have an opinion, you could comment? I'd love to hear what people think about love. It's an important thing in my life. My other question is for you, is whether you think it's possible for two guys to truly be in love with each other? I'm not talking about infatuation, or lust... but honest to God, pure and true Love? I've always believed that love is universal, love knows no bounds... but lately my beliefs are being tested and I fear they may crack. I see the Queer world, and it isn't pretty. But maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places?
It isn't even my own happiness that I'm trying to find... I just want to see that true love exists in the Queer world. I don't think people have much faith in us gays and lesbians. For so long it has been an underworld, people living in it side by side with the so called "normal" world. And because of this, the expectations seem to be so much lower. It's ok for sex and cheating and immoral behavior, because that is how we are seen?
Well I need to say no. Come on guys, we need have more faith in ourselves right? As long as we continue to prove everyone else right, by acting in the ways that a lot of gay people do, we are never going to get equal rights, and be accepted. Or am I just overreacting? My thoughts get scrambled... I apologize for the lack of coherence in my posts, I start with one idea and then end up a million miles away. I guess I have a lot in my mind that I want to say, and it all sort of rushes out, I have no control over my hands and they just keep typing whatever thought pops into my head.
I'm not really too sure on the purpose of this blog. I know that I really enjoy writing here. I like thinking that there are people out there who read what I write. But even if there aren't, I know that by trying to put my thoughts into words, I am making some sense out of them. I guess it's obvious that I am now addicted to blogging, but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. I could sit all day writing about everything and anything. Though it might not seem like it, I am in fact a writer. http://www.lotusridge.weebly.com is my website. You can see some of my writing there. Anyway, my point about me being a writer, is that I love to write (go figure!). I think this blog is a really good outlet for a lot of the stuff I don't write and a lot of the stuff, I usually can't find words for. It's a place where I can talk about myself (and not come across like an egotistical bastard... sorry if I do!).
Ok, I should end this post I think... it's getting a bit too long!
"Love will not betray, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free"
"El amor no es un sentimiento, es una habilidad"
(Expect another post relatively soon, just try and keep me away)
Lukas xoxox
Friday, November 27, 2009
Hello Internet...
I officially have zero readers, but I'm still going to write on here, there's something therapeutic about writing on a blog, and letting all your words trickle out into the universe that is the internet...
I'd like to introduce myself to you... On October the 11th, my first post, told you exactly who I was, how I felt and where I was going... Just over a month later, I've lost all of that. My name is the same, and my age hasn't changed... but somewhere over the past couple of weeks, I've lost myself.
I panicked at first, naturally, but I'm slowly realizing that this isn't a bad thing. I don't need to spend my time trying to find myself again, rediscover myself. This is the opportunity for me to build myself into someone new, someone better. I can take all the things I liked about myself, and work on them, and discard everything else.
I'm Gay... I love being Gay, it doesn't define me, but it's an important part about me. I have been wondering lately though... just what it is about being Gay that I love, is it just because it makes me stand out from my family, my ultimate triumph at trying to fly the coop??? Is it because it makes me happy... because it doesn't really, my experiences with guys has been rather disastrous... heart-ache, heart-break and all round pain for the most part. I'm not blaming them for anything, a lot of the pain has been at my own hands... I've sent my self down roads of self-destructive meaningless sex, jumped into relationships and tried to give my all, but secretly held back, I've chased after guys I shouldn't, and fallen for guys that couldn't love me back.
I have many regrets when it comes to my sexuality, and the people it effects. Not just the guys I've hurt, not just my disapproving family or distant friends, but also one girl who loved me, and I just couldn't give her what she wanted. The biggest thing I regret about being gay, is that I do love her, but just cant be with her. She loved me, I should never have let her. I've lost her now, forever I fear, because when she looks at me, I see pain in her eyes.
Being Gay, has opened a lot of doors for me, but it has also closed a lot too. Perhaps this is part of the reason I'm lost? Do I tell myself I love being Gay, but on the inside I actually resent it? Am I chasing after lost dreams and old loves, to hide from the fact that I'm scared of loving again? I've a broken heart and a damaged soul, maybe I'm scared that if I let myself find happiness, I'll lose them... and maybe I think they make me who I am?
I am the guy with the broken heart and the damaged soul... But then, I'm not the only guy who is. I'm not as individual as I think... maybe that's what scares me more than anything? I hide behind this facade of Wit, Charm, Humor and feigned Intelligence, is it because inside I feel like your everyday average Joe? I'm not as special as I thought?
There are quite a lot of questions here... And now, my dear Internet, I wish you could write back! I'm sure you'd have a lot to say too!
Thanks for always being here, for me to dump my thoughts.
Till next time x0x
I'd like to introduce myself to you... On October the 11th, my first post, told you exactly who I was, how I felt and where I was going... Just over a month later, I've lost all of that. My name is the same, and my age hasn't changed... but somewhere over the past couple of weeks, I've lost myself.
I panicked at first, naturally, but I'm slowly realizing that this isn't a bad thing. I don't need to spend my time trying to find myself again, rediscover myself. This is the opportunity for me to build myself into someone new, someone better. I can take all the things I liked about myself, and work on them, and discard everything else.
I'm Gay... I love being Gay, it doesn't define me, but it's an important part about me. I have been wondering lately though... just what it is about being Gay that I love, is it just because it makes me stand out from my family, my ultimate triumph at trying to fly the coop??? Is it because it makes me happy... because it doesn't really, my experiences with guys has been rather disastrous... heart-ache, heart-break and all round pain for the most part. I'm not blaming them for anything, a lot of the pain has been at my own hands... I've sent my self down roads of self-destructive meaningless sex, jumped into relationships and tried to give my all, but secretly held back, I've chased after guys I shouldn't, and fallen for guys that couldn't love me back.
I have many regrets when it comes to my sexuality, and the people it effects. Not just the guys I've hurt, not just my disapproving family or distant friends, but also one girl who loved me, and I just couldn't give her what she wanted. The biggest thing I regret about being gay, is that I do love her, but just cant be with her. She loved me, I should never have let her. I've lost her now, forever I fear, because when she looks at me, I see pain in her eyes.
Being Gay, has opened a lot of doors for me, but it has also closed a lot too. Perhaps this is part of the reason I'm lost? Do I tell myself I love being Gay, but on the inside I actually resent it? Am I chasing after lost dreams and old loves, to hide from the fact that I'm scared of loving again? I've a broken heart and a damaged soul, maybe I'm scared that if I let myself find happiness, I'll lose them... and maybe I think they make me who I am?
I am the guy with the broken heart and the damaged soul... But then, I'm not the only guy who is. I'm not as individual as I think... maybe that's what scares me more than anything? I hide behind this facade of Wit, Charm, Humor and feigned Intelligence, is it because inside I feel like your everyday average Joe? I'm not as special as I thought?
There are quite a lot of questions here... And now, my dear Internet, I wish you could write back! I'm sure you'd have a lot to say too!
Thanks for always being here, for me to dump my thoughts.
Till next time x0x
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sail Away
At 20 years old I've had my fair share of relationships and romantic encounters...
I've said I love you and meant it, I've said I hate you and meant it... I've been built up as high as you can get, and I've been destroyed to the lowest low.
Love has always been something I have aimed for, it has a timeless quality that is impossible to deny. It seems to have endured the tests of time, change and cynicism. I used to consider myself a hopeless romantic, that one day I'd find the love of my life, my soul mate, and everything would fall into place like some silly chick flick from the late 90's (For those of you who don't understand my reference to that date, it's the time of the Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks classic movies such as Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail).
And yet each time I found someone I thought worthy, my hopes were crushed... and my movie ending never came (I guess it's still early right? I am only 20)... I gave up searching for love, filled my time with pointless one nighters and brief flings that just kept hollowing me out, a wave crashing against the soft base of a cliff. I became one of the people I had earlier pitied, those people who look at love and romance, and see no hope, no joy, no future.
Romance is not dead! I'd tell myself. It cant be. But in a world of 40+ hours of work, where the most common form of communication comes from SMS, IM and Email... You have to question whether there is still the hope of seeing romance survive our technological lifestyle.
I guess what I mean is: I never thought it possible to find someone who fulfills you online... websites like perfectmatch.com, matchmaker.com (nzdating.com for New Zealand)... And yet the statistics say otherwise. In a recent poll of 10,000 newlyweds, 0ver 19% met online, which was more than any other group (Through friends, at work etc). And is on the rise, compared the same poll done a couple of years ago with only 14% meeting online. Sites such as perfectmatch.com and eharmony.com (which is a cost-based site) have noted an increase in members over the past 18months, despite the recession. It seems with our busy work schedules, and online living, we only have time to search for our 'other-half' through that same online medium.
I finally signed myself up to the world of online dating towards the end of last year, and it proved unfruitful... it's purpose seemed only to serve my sometimes overly lascivious desires... And even then, they were half-hearted attempts.
I don't have much more to say, so I'm going to seal the bag here. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. (I also hope you don't mind use of italic, underline, bold and color in my writing... I just feel that reading should be a visual experience too).
I don't have much more to say, so I'm going to seal the bag here. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. (I also hope you don't mind use of italic, underline, bold and color in my writing... I just feel that reading should be a visual experience too).
Kindest regards,
Lukas x
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