Last night I had a dream about someone who means more to me than anyone else, though they don't know it. In the past few months I have made A LOT of mistakes... and I really do mean A LOT.
But through my mistakes I have found some very positive and important things too. I met someone who I care more about, than anyone I have ever cared about before. Someone I would be willing to do anything for, anything. I made have made the wrong choice by leaving this person, and it has haunted me ever since, especially lately. Whenever I have the smallest hope that I can get over it, I think about him, and every feelings, emotion and thought comes rushing back to me like a landslide.
Since the break up, I have just kept making worse decisions. It's not his responsibility, he owes me nothing, but I have prayed and prayed that he would let me back into his heart. Some of my stupid mistakes were telling him I still feel for him, because I never considered he needed to move on from me.
I'm nothing more than a terrible memory. One that is probably best forgotten.
But while I may be a terrible memory to him, he is far more than that for me. He is someone I respect and trust whole heartedly. He is someone I dream about, and for those few brief moments as I wake up, I forget it's just a dream and I am happy. Then reality kicks in. It's a cruel thing reality.
What do you do when the one person you want most in your life, doesn't want you back? I have been given advice, some telling me to run back and say how I feel, some telling me to stay away and if it's meant to be it will happen. I took the first piece of advice, and it only served to hurt us both more.
But I do not believe that things happen because they are meant to be. I believe that we are meant to fight for the things we want and need. I would do anything for him, But I cant just leave, and I cannot forget. I have tried, the Lord knows that I have tried to forget, but this time, I cant. Because the knowledge that I have made the worst mistake in my life, hangs over me like a waking nightmare, and the only place I am free, is when my eyes are closed and I am dreaming about him.
I sound like the worst kind of ex to have. The one who is obsessed, the one who cant get over it, the one who turns into a stalker. I can see why so many people are like that. In the past, I have prided myself on the fact that I can move on quickly, but moving on quickly, is only a quick fix. I've had my heart broken too many times before, to sit back now and let this one get away.
He is the first person to ever truly understand me, and though he probably doubts he ever did, I know he did. When we were together there were a lot of doubts, and doubts are not healthy. But they should never be a reason to call it quits, because I think doubts have a silver lining. They have both a positive and negative side. It's the positive side that you need to focus on, instead of worrying about the negatives.
I don't deserve to have him back, I have thought about me for most of my life, I'm 20, it's natural. But now, now I look forward and I long for an us, and not just any us, but him and I. He has changed my life, he really has made massive impacts that even I myself am only just noticing.
My goals have changed. I am pulling out of university next year. Instead of studying, I am going to work until September, saving. Once it comes to September I am going to be flying back to England to see my Aunts wedding, but when everyone else flies back to New Zealand, I am going to stay in Europe, train to Paris probably and stay there for awhile. And then, I am going to float around Europe... Paris, Avignon, Rome, Milan, Reutlingen, Berlin, Athens etc... for as long as I can. No time frame and no ties. I wont worry about when I need to come back, and I wont worry about anyone back here. I have noone to stay for.
So I will be going... going for as long as I possibly can...
I'm standing at a fork in my future, and one road heads to Paris, the life of solitude and passing through places like a shadow, no roots and no ties.
Or the other road, which leads to a future where I mean something to someone, and not just something, but I mean the world to someone. A future where I wake up next to my love, and I am happy all the way down to my core.
Which road I step onto all depends on the person who now only lives in my dreams.
I am not going to contact him again, I am not going to tell him this ultimatum I have made for myself. But I am going to pray that he knows the road I want to take, is the one with him.
If I hear nothing from by New Years Eve (2009) I am going to take the first step onto the path that leads to a lonely Paris.
I am praying with my entire soul, that he contacts me. I pray that I am worth enough for him to invest his feelings in. I pray that he can see me in his future.
For all my wrongs in life, I am truly sorry. I am seeking forgiveness, and I hope to heal all wounds from my past. On the 1st of December 2010, I will stop looking back.
C, if you read this... Do what is best for you, you have no responsibility to me, but I really do hope that you can see that I have seen the wrongs I have done. I know you want space, to heal and to work through your own issues. But I really do believe that we can make a great couple. I will do anything for you, and I really do love everything about you. You have no idea how different you are to everyone else in the world, you are unique, and when I think of my future without you, I am more scared than I have ever been. My track record isn't great, I am far from perfect and I am deeply flawed... but I can promise you now, that I will love you everyday, and I will do everything I can to make you happy, and to make you feel safe.
You are the guy of my dreams, literally. If you can give me a second chance... you really would be saving me.
This is the last time I will ever post anything about my feelings regarding him, and the last time I will try to show him that I hope he chooses me.
C, I pray that you read this... I really do pray that you read this.
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