Book me on the next flight out of here!

Je souhaite que Je pourrais me sentir comme Je vaux quelque chose.

To continue the theme of my blog postings... I have more bad news again.

My dad just made me feel worthless, even more worthless than when I came out to him and he disowned me, and then said that "In his eyes" it would have been better if I had killed my older brother... needless to say, he completely destroyed me then.

So now I feel worse than I ever have in my life. And this time, it wasn't hateful comments, or anything of the like... it was a clean and clear "talk" that served to undermine my beliefs and my goals, with an undertone of regret, and not regret for his behavior, but regret that he'd ever had a son that has actually opened his mind, his heart and more importantly his eyes.

But that alone isn't what makes this particular post sad... it's this next part that does.

Following my dads "talk", my parents then had a "talk", words were exchanged and the most commonly used one was the D word, "divorce". Now that doesn't upset me as much as you might think, what upsets me is that I'm 20 years old, with a broken family, and a pregnant teenage sister who is clueless.

My fresh start, my forgetting about the past and moving forward has come to a rather abrupt and painful stop. I have a pain in my soul that I can't shake. I feel like I'm nothing. I've been deserted by the people I tried to keep around me (most likely by my own doing). I'm friendless too... most definitely by my own doing.


Auckland is suffocating me, New Zealand is killing me. I just want out.
I'm out of here. I'm leaving it all behind, because I'm bigger than this, I'm bigger than disappointing New Zealand, with it's disappointing people and it's disappointing dreams.