2.25am

It's currently 2.25am...

I haven't cried tonight.

I'm not feeling as low.

In fact I feel great.

I've fallen into a game, and it's a risky one, there are a number of players, and I might end up going down. This could be bad...

But the sense of danger, the feeling of walking on the edge of a knife... it sense life and adrenalin pumping through my veins. I'm scared but more so, I'm excited. My heart is racing... will it keep pumping at this pace, will my senses remain heightened? One can only hope!

.............

It also occurred to me, that until yesterday, I had not previously mentioned that I was gay. I find that strange. I'm gay as a bird (a gay bird that is).

I think today, I took the first step, on my way back up the hill. Still got a long way to go, but at least I'm moving forwards and upwards!

Thanks for being here...

x

Tears

I know I posted earlier today, but I had to write again.
I'm like a tap these days, I can't stop crying.
I'm just on emotional overload, the smallest thing can make me cry... I've cried to pretty much every Regina Spektor song... and most of the ones I have are her happy ones! WTF?
"But if I kiss you where its sore, will you feel better?"

Hello Internet...

I officially have zero readers, but I'm still going to write on here, there's something therapeutic about writing on a blog, and letting all your words trickle out into the universe that is the internet...

I'd like to introduce myself to you... On October the 11th, my first post, told you exactly who I was, how I felt and where I was going... Just over a month later, I've lost all of that. My name is the same, and my age hasn't changed... but somewhere over the past couple of weeks, I've lost myself.

I panicked at first, naturally, but I'm slowly realizing that this isn't a bad thing. I don't need to spend my time trying to find myself again, rediscover myself. This is the opportunity for me to build myself into someone new, someone better. I can take all the things I liked about myself, and work on them, and discard everything else.

I'm Gay... I love being Gay, it doesn't define me, but it's an important part about me. I have been wondering lately though... just what it is about being Gay that I love, is it just because it makes me stand out from my family, my ultimate triumph at trying to fly the coop??? Is it because it makes me happy... because it doesn't really, my experiences with guys has been rather disastrous... heart-ache, heart-break and all round pain for the most part. I'm not blaming them for anything, a lot of the pain has been at my own hands... I've sent my self down roads of self-destructive meaningless sex, jumped into relationships and tried to give my all, but secretly held back, I've chased after guys I shouldn't, and fallen for guys that couldn't love me back.

I have many regrets when it comes to my sexuality, and the people it effects. Not just the guys I've hurt, not just my disapproving family or distant friends, but also one girl who loved me, and I just couldn't give her what she wanted. The biggest thing I regret about being gay, is that I do love her, but just cant be with her. She loved me, I should never have let her. I've lost her now, forever I fear, because when she looks at me, I see pain in her eyes.

Being Gay, has opened a lot of doors for me, but it has also closed a lot too. Perhaps this is part of the reason I'm lost? Do I tell myself I love being Gay, but on the inside I actually resent it? Am I chasing after lost dreams and old loves, to hide from the fact that I'm scared of loving again? I've a broken heart and a damaged soul, maybe I'm scared that if I let myself find happiness, I'll lose them... and maybe I think they make me who I am?

I am the guy with the broken heart and the damaged soul... But then, I'm not the only guy who is. I'm not as individual as I think... maybe that's what scares me more than anything? I hide behind this facade of Wit, Charm, Humor and feigned Intelligence, is it because inside I feel like your everyday average Joe? I'm not as special as I thought?

There are quite a lot of questions here... And now, my dear Internet, I wish you could write back! I'm sure you'd have a lot to say too!

Thanks for always being here, for me to dump my thoughts.

Till next time x0x

Does anyone hear me?

What am I to say... what am I to do... What am I to think...

I don't know who I am anymore... I mean seriously, somewhere between now and about a month ago I lost the person I was aiming to be.

Now my future looms ahead of me, a blank and empty canvas... but I no longer have the paint or the brush.

I finally went and stood atop a cliff, not a metaphorical one this time, and looked out over the edge. I wanted to jump. And be washed away, let the water dissolve everything.

I'm sick of standing on the edge, screaming out when no one can hear... or more, no one listens.

Low

I am quite literally at the lowest point in my life. And there isn't a single soul that knows just how bad it is...
I just want to end it all x