Return of the Blogger (Good or bad thing?)

So, yeah... It's been awhile since my last post... 3 months to the day, (91 days).

ALOT has happened in that time. I could probably write a handful of blogs explaining each and everything that has happened... but I don't want to bore you.

I guess you could say I met someone, whom I fell in love with... I found my faith. I'm not going to say I'm religious or anything, I don't believe in the institution of man at all. But I did find God.

Well, He found me... in a very powerful way.

On the whole it has been the single most important invent in my life... I've changed as a person dramatically... I'm even taller and more muscley! =p lol.

I guess I have been expecting Him to change some other things too. Some of the people I've met were probably waiting for him to "straighten" me up too. I haven't been really thinking much about guys at all, but in the same way, I haven't been thinking about girls either. I'm definitely not straight. I'm just... nothing. It's hard to explain.

But recently... I guess my heart has realized it's still there. And I've been longing for arms around me, and a soft, warm breath on my neck. I haven't been held in months, no arms of longing have been wrapped around me. And I've once again started to feel lonely... but this time it's a different loneliness.

Because now I have my faith (which is unwavering!) but I have nobody (noone physically here) that can understand how I feel. I'm in Love with God, but apart from that, I have nothing. I'm not looking at women, and wanting to get married and live the "christian lifestyle". I'm not looking at women and longing to be with one.

But I am longing for a hand to hold mine, some arms to envelop me, and a voice whispering in my ear... "It will be ok, because I love you". I read a quote today that really made me smile... "I love you because... to understand our love, they would have to turn the world upside down."

I know God loves me... I know that is sufficient. But... but.



Well apart from that, some other HUGE things that happened in these past 91days:
1. My younger sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, her name is Issabella and as of today she is 2weeks and 1day old.
2. I turned down the job in Qatar.
3. I completed my first piece of artwork since last year.
4. I've started to sing. (Much to the pain of many ears!)

Dreams

I keep having this semi-recurring dream about a guy I knew/know. I guess you could say that there was definitely something between us... even though it was brief and nothing ever came of it. There was mutual attraction, but there was more than that, there was a deeper understanding of each other, and I guess what some people call the "spark".

We never got together, the only physical contact being two hugs. I just wanted to point that out... the reality of it was, we never really stepped over the 'friends' line. And then things happened and we stopped hanging out... and then the texts ceased and talking to each other on msn grounded to a halt, except for the odd "Hi" now and then. We'll call this person DB for the purposes of this post.

Anyway, DB and I first met in person when we were both going through an... interesting... time. It was these interesting things that caused the rift in our friendship... I suppose I have to confess, it was partly, well more than partly, my own fault that these things happened.

So the silence grew, the distance between us widening. And then, recently, out of the blue, I start dreaming about DB, which takes me by surprise, since I hadn't really thought about them much recently.

My dreams are always weird... just warning you all now! These dreams about DB tend to be very similar to each other, with minor differences each night. Last night however, the dream was very different...

It started off with me riding a horse. It was the most beautiful landscape, not a building or road in sight, the sound of waves crashing against the shore could be heard whispering across the low rolling hills. And the horse! It was absolutely stunning! My dream horse, Black, with a white mane and a white tail. It was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen.

So I'm riding, and then I urged the horse into a gallop... racing up and down the hills, running along the long golden sandy beach, the spray from the surf washing against my face, cooling the horse and I down as we charge. There was no destination, we were just running as fast as the horse could go...

And then the green hills break away and are replaced by buildings, the sand falls out from underneath us, only to become cement and tarmac, the spray that was caressing us, becomes heavy rain pelting down on us. In seconds the whole landscape is replaced by a grey, depressing, cityscape. The horse keeps running, and I'm crying, my tears being whipped away behind me, lost in the rain.

The beautiful horse stops outside a building, and I realize it's Starbucks... but it's not just a normal Starbucks, it's the first place I ever met DB. I tether my horse to a bike stand, walk in, order my usual Caramel Mochiato and climb the stairs, looking to see if my usual seat in the corner, by the window is free. It's not, I let out an audible sigh of disappointment...

The person who is sitting in my seat, who was previously looking out of the window, turns to look at me... It's DB. I let out another sigh, not one of disappointment, not one of relief... Just a sigh. He smiles at me, and nods to the other seat, indicating I should join him. So I sit, my expression locked in one of mild curiosity. I hadn't seen or heard anything from him in quite awhile, so I'm somewhat taken aback by his sudden appearance in my seat.



For a few minutes we just sit in silence, trying to assess what the other is thinking. I go to speak, but stop before the words come out. It is DB who breaks the silence...

"You can't leave"

I don't know how to reply, my ticket for Paris is booked, my job secured, my flight leaves in two days. He speaks again...

"If you leave, we wont be able to find out what would happen if we gave in to the way we feel about each other"

I'm surprised again, I thought I had made it clear many times before that I was interested in him, despite what happened. I'm still fumbling for words. He places his hand on top of mine... I feel something ripple up my arm and through my body, not a shiver, but more like a form of energy. My clouded thoughts clear, and there is only one thing on my mind... that this is what I have been waiting for. I find my voice...

"You told me this could never happen. You said that no matter what there was between us, nothing would ever come of it. After [the events] I looked to you for support, as something to keep me. When you sang Michael Bubble in the car, I knew that I had to be with you... but we could't. So I planned my escape, I chose Paris, the city of my heart, and I was going to leave everything behind me, be a new person. Someone who doesn't make the mistakes I make. I need to be free"

DB takes me by the hands, and walks out of Starbucks, past my horse and and to a lamppost we once sat at on the waterfront. That was the first place I ever wanted to kiss him. We're sitting side by side, he turns my face towards him and kisses me. And then we just sit there in each others embrace, till I wake up.

I've been thinking about DB all day, and we had a brief talk on msn earlier... from what I can gather, we are going for coffee next week, perhaps at Starbucks?!?!
It's not a date or anything of the sort, he has made it clear he doesn't want anyone, and that he is being chaste. Not that I want to have sex with him, which I told him I don't... though I don't think he believes me. I don't, for the record, I just want his company, and to laugh and feel like I did when I first met him. Nothing can come from the coffee, except perhaps a renewed friendship, because neither of us want anything to come from it... I think??

So, a post about dreams and coffee... we're moving away from the sad little depressed Lukas! Woo

A poem. Unnamed

Last night, someone who I consider close to me sent me a poem. It's incredible cute, and it made me smile. I've decided to share it with you (with the person's permission of course). Anyway, here it is:

A poem. Unnamed

You’re worth it.
The ad was right
You are worth it
You are Funny
Smart
Cute
And Cliché
I learnt in poetry class
That these do not have to have
Any real structure
So I can say what I want,
Evn skpn out ltters.

You’re worth it Lukas
Believe it or not
Fact or fiction in your heart.
Just suck it up
And try again,
Life is like that, when you fall off
You get back on and try again
Because quitters never win
Now just do it.

One last thing in this little rambling of mine.
I still like you,
Even though you are moving away.
What can I say, its magnetism,
Only you have I ever endured this for

That’s it, I sign off.
Ja ne
See ya
Ta ta
Buh bai
Adios amigo
Ciao Ciao.

You'll find someone who deserves you...

How many of us have heard that over the years??? (or some derivation of it)

It's almost as incredibly cliche as "It's not you, it's me" (and just to point out, of course it's you, you self-centered prick who cant keep his dick in his pants long enough to actually try to maintain something meaningful with someone who [formerly] worshiped you!!!!)... sorry about that little rant, it's not targeted at anyone in particular, just a little venting on my part, for all those who have heard those cursed words!

I guess I've just heard "you deserve so much more" too many times now. It's my heart, and my love to give, YOU do not get to tell me who I should love. If I love you, then I LOVE YOU, telling me I deserve someone else is just you flaking out. It's not going to change the way I feel about you.

So my advice to anyone who wants to break up with their partners... do not say anything along those lines. It's unfair to them. Grow a pair, and be the dick that you clearly are (unless you have good cause to break up with them, in which case I recommend some scissors and an escape route). If you try to be the nice guy when breaking up with someone, it just ends up hurting more... so if you're going to break their heart, cut them deep... at least this way they can hate you and work on getting over it.

I've become such a cynic... there was a time once (not too long ago!) where love and romance were the biggest drives in my life, they softened the harsh world that we live in. Now, I see cheats and liars everywhere, unhappy relationships, broken homes and good people having their hearts ripped out by the shallow.

If Shakespeare were alive today, I'm sure he would have something to say about the state of love in our world. What is it about humanities obsession with completely destroying everything that was once good??? Remember Shakespeare's words, in my favorite piece of literature, Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Ohh such words used to move me right down to my core... now I read them with a detached sense of loss. It saddens me.

The world has become a cold place indeed.

QATAR

Soo... I've been rather busy applying for jobs and such... and I've just heard back from one... I've been shortlisted for a job in Doha, Qatar.
There's still a little stuff to send and what not, but if I get the job, I could be gone by mid-Feb! How insane is that?!?!

There are a few problems presented however... I'd pretty much have to completely hide the fact that I'm gay, and the Sponsor laws are a little iffy... We shall see.

more bad news...

So as if my last post wasn't bad enough... I just heard some more bad news.

I've just heard that my aunt has died from a heart-attack. They live back in England, but apparently she had been in hospital because of her hip, had an operation and then had a heart-attack a few hours after boxing day... and we've only just found out.



It is apparently the era of D's... Disappointment, divorce and death.


I may not post anything for awhile (a few weeks tops)... there is a lot going on at the moment, and on top of all this drama, I am busy sorting out employment overseas, so my series of nights up till 6am are likely to continue (I need to work on an international timeline). I am getting little to none sleep...

I just wanted to update everyone as to my upcoming silence..

Book me on the next flight out of here!

Je souhaite que Je pourrais me sentir comme Je vaux quelque chose.

To continue the theme of my blog postings... I have more bad news again.

My dad just made me feel worthless, even more worthless than when I came out to him and he disowned me, and then said that "In his eyes" it would have been better if I had killed my older brother... needless to say, he completely destroyed me then.

So now I feel worse than I ever have in my life. And this time, it wasn't hateful comments, or anything of the like... it was a clean and clear "talk" that served to undermine my beliefs and my goals, with an undertone of regret, and not regret for his behavior, but regret that he'd ever had a son that has actually opened his mind, his heart and more importantly his eyes.

But that alone isn't what makes this particular post sad... it's this next part that does.

Following my dads "talk", my parents then had a "talk", words were exchanged and the most commonly used one was the D word, "divorce". Now that doesn't upset me as much as you might think, what upsets me is that I'm 20 years old, with a broken family, and a pregnant teenage sister who is clueless.

My fresh start, my forgetting about the past and moving forward has come to a rather abrupt and painful stop. I have a pain in my soul that I can't shake. I feel like I'm nothing. I've been deserted by the people I tried to keep around me (most likely by my own doing). I'm friendless too... most definitely by my own doing.


Auckland is suffocating me, New Zealand is killing me. I just want out.
I'm out of here. I'm leaving it all behind, because I'm bigger than this, I'm bigger than disappointing New Zealand, with it's disappointing people and it's disappointing dreams.